Air Date: July 26, 2002
Written by Ben Browder
Directed by Tony Tilse
Transcript by Xenajules2
Edited and put on-line by Bluey
Episode 4.07 - John Quixote
PROLOGUE
Moya is flying along through space. Inside...
Sikozu walks slowly up to the door of Scorpius' cell. She is carrying John's chess set, and she stops at the grated door.
Sikozu: "Would you care for a game?"
Scorpius is lying flat on his back on his bed, looking up at the ceiling.
Sikozu: "Belongs to Crichton but... he is not onboard at the moment."
Scorpius sighs.
Sikozu: "Do you know how to play?"
Inside a transport pod...
Chiana kneels in front of a container of different colored blobs. She picks up a blue one and it clicks. Holding it in her hand, Chiana sighs. The blob has two red knobs, a green center and a blue knob.
Chiana: "And this... ahh!" She squeezes it in her hand. "Porn." She laughs.
John is sitting nearby, looking distracted, his hand to his face. He thinks to himself...
John: "I figure a relationship is based on trust."
There is a flash of white light and he sees Aeryn, talking to him.
Aeryn: "I didn't want to tell you about the pregnancy until I was sure."
There is another flash and he sees Scorpius.
Chiana: "What's he doin here? What does he want?"
Aeryn: "He wants asylum."
Chiana: "Crichton. You've got to try these." She looks over and sees John staring off into space. "Crichton!"
John: "What?"
Chiana: "You're doin it again."
John: "What?"
Chiana: "Zoning."
John: "No, no. I was just... thinking."
Chiana: "Well, the Aeryn in your head can wait. Come on. Come play these games with me."
John: "Games? Looks like... some kinda sick root."
Chiana laughs: "It's organic matrix. Reality games. Simulations."
John shakes his head.
Chiana: "Press the flesh."
She
puts both hands on the blob and presses it hard with her fingers. There is an electronic sound and she freezes with her eyes closed and her back arched. The game flashes and makes a deep beeping noise. Chiana's breath becomes choppy.
Sikozu makes a move on John's chess board. It is on the floor in front of her. Scorpius leans against the door on the other side.
Scorpius: "Sikozu. If you were to open the door, we could play properly."
Chiana still has her fingers pressed onto the blue blob. She is breathing audibly.
John: "Chiana?" She doesn't answer him. "Pip!" When she still doesn't respond, John leaves the controls of the pod and walks over to her. He squeezes past some things to get behind her. He leans over her: "You know you're completely vulnerable." He gives her a small push on the shoulder. He goes to a different control and comms: "Pilot, Moya, hey where are you guys? I need to get a fix on your position."
Chiana gasps as she rocks on her knees, still sitting on the floor with the blue blob.
D'Argo comms: "Crichton."
John: "Yo, D! How ya doin, man?"
D'Argo is walking through one of the corridors on Moya: "Crichton, where are you?"
Noranti hurries along, trying to catch up with D'Argo.
Chiana gets up from the floor and goes over to John: "You have
got to see this."
Noranti catches up with D'Argo: "Tell him about Scorpius."
Aeryn shows up, walking behind Noranti.
John: "Not right now, Chiana."
D'Argo: "We're having a small problem with Scorpius."
Chiana: "You have got to try this one." She grabs John's hand and puts it on the blue blob.
John: "Hang on a second."
The blob lights up and makes a beeping noise. John's and Chiana's heads go backwards. There is a loud ringing noise and a flash...
John staggers and catches himself. He and Chiana are standing at a junction in the hallway of the Gammak base from "Nerve" John reaches out and touches Chiana's shoulders, to steady himself. She giggles. She is wearing her old outfit with the spots and the fur. John is wearing the PK officer's uniform he wore down to the base in "Nerve".
John looks around: "What the hell?"
Chiana: "Hey... wait." She listens for something.
John: "Son of a ..."
Chiana holds her hand up for him to be quiet: "Hey. Wait fer it. Wait fer it." She is smiling.
The PK Tech, Gilina runs into the corridor, a ways down from them. She stops and calls to them.
Gilina: "This way! You have to hurry!" She hugs the wall and edges out of the corridor.
Chiana holds her arms out and her mouth open, watching for John's reaction.
John: "Gilina?"
Chiana nods and gestures with her hand: "Come on, gotta hurry. Come on!"
Scorpius comes down the stairs behind them, holding a pulse pistol pointed at them.
John: "Whoa!" He pulls his pulse pistol and points it at Scorpius as he follows Chiana, backing down the hallway.
John: "This is just a game... right?"
Chiana: "Drad, huh? Bring back memories? Gilina, Scorpius, Gammak Base."
John and Chiana stop when they get to Gilina. Stark jumps into the corridor between them and Scorpius. He has his mask on the left side of his face.
Stark: "I'll save you!" He shoots Scorpius with a huge rifle.
John: "Stark?"
Suddenly there are all kinds and sizes of doors going by them and they find themselves standing in a totally different scene. John is now dressed in a set of armor, with a metal helmet on his head. Chiana has on a striped, knitted cap with a long tail, a blue vest tied in front over a long sleeved peasant blouse. She has on yellow pants and brown "puss-in-boots" boots.
John: "Now, this is..."
Chiana looks down at herself: "This is weird."
John is holding a rectangular piece of wood which he throws onto the ground with a clank.
John: "... not right."
He turns around to look and sees that they are standing on a long green carpet runner which goes up to the door of a giant, three towered castle. He is wearing a sword on his belt.
Chiana: "We shouldn't just... we shouldn't just switch levels like that."
John: "No, no, no. I mean somebody's messing with us."
There are giant, stylized trees all around the castle.
Chiana: "Well, I'm sure there's some really good techno-babble..."
John: "You know what? Screw the explanation, Chiana."
She bends down and picks a really big, blue flower.
John: "We've got a problem with Scorpius on Moya and pods do not fly themselves. We need out."
A woman yells from the castle tower: "Help! Help!"
John cranes his head back to look up at her.
Far up, in the castle, wearing a low-cut blue gown, is a very blonde Aeryn: "Help!"
John swallows with a loud "gulp!" : "Now I know someone's messin with us. We've got to ends this now."
Chiana waves her hand: "Just say you want out."
John: "I want out." Nothing happens.
Chiana: "Yah. That's standard override." She looks around: "Try again."
John: "I want... out." Still nothing. "I... want... out!"
John drops his hands to his sides. There is a whistling noise and an object falls from the castle tower. As it gets closer, it appears to be an old style, console television. John glances up and sees it coming down towards him. He looks up as the television smashes down directly on his face.
The scene goes to black and white static.
END OF PROLOGUE
ACT ONE
Birds are tweeting loudly. There is some smoke coming from the back of the television that is lying on John's face. He is lying crosswise, on the green carpet runner. There are parking lot lines and tire tread marks on either side of the carpet.
Chiana: "Hey!" She runs over and looks down at the tv. "Ouch! Hey, you okay?" She knocks on the tv tube a few times.
John starts to cough.
Chiana taps on the screen again: "Anyone home?"
John: "Whaa happened?"
Chiana: "I'm not sure."
Stark is sitting nearby, watching. His mask is on the wrong side and his hair is long.
Chiana: "Something's gone fekkik up." She pulls the tv off John's face.
John: "Damn, that hurt." He sits up. He has some kind of a rod sticking straight up, out of his head, with an antenna (?) on the top of it. It has pierced him right through his metal helmet. There are sparks coming from it.
Chiana touches the rod: "But I wouldn't... I wouldn't try and move that. Yah, it might make things worse."
John reaches up and touches it: "Oh, my god. How...?" He looks over and sees Stark. "Stark."
Chiana: "Stark?" She walks over to him.
John: "You're here." There is smoke curling up from the rod in his head.
Stark: "I'm supposed to be here. I'm everywhere." He strikes a pose with his hands on his hips: "I am Stark, avatar... guide. The game embodied."
Chiana: "You're the avatar?"
Stark walks over and looks down at John: "What... are you doing here? All players are supposed to begin at the gammak base."
John: "Pip?"
Chiana: "What... do you want me to do? The auto-out didn't work."
Stark: "Oh, dear."
Chiana: "Oh, dear?"
John: "Oh, dear?"
John and Chiana stand facing each other, their fingers still pressed into the game blob. Chiana is shaking and gasping. John's forehead is creased with lines. The transport pod continues to fly, unattended.
Stark has the guts of the tv and he's working on them.
Stark: "You say you were on a transport pod alone?"
Chiana is working on something too. She nods: "Hmm."
Stark: "Just you two? That's not very smart."
John: "RIght. So we would like out now, please?"
Stark: "I'm afraid it's not that easy. Could be broken."
Chiana runs over to him and grabs him by the neck. She holds a knife to his throat.
Chiana: "Okay... Stark. Some questions."
Stark gasps.
Chiana: "Who's the designer of the game?"
Stark: "Yoti."
Chiana: "Neural template?
Stark moves his eye around, avoiding Chiana's: "Yours truly... and an infusion of the dead John Crichton's memories." Chiana releases Stark who starts twisting some wires in his hands.
John: "Excuse me? You stole my memories?"
Stark: "Yah. You seem to have backdoored into a part of the game that, technically speaking, shouldn't even exist. So, you're kind of stuck, I think."
John: "Chiana? Scorpius!"
Chiana: "Ah... stop being such a welnitz. Brain damage and death is..."
John interrupts her: "Brain damage?!"
Chiana: "It's very rare. It's very rare."
Stark hits the side of the television case and goes around to look at the picture. It is standing on its side, so the picture is also sideways. John Crichton appears on the screen, in a dark suit and tie with a white shirt. There are thick drive-lines behind him, on the screen. He looks very much like...
John Headroom: "Wel... wel... welcome. My name is John Crichton... Crichton, the most notorious criminal in the known universe."
Stark: Ahh. Too general. I need the manual."
John and Chiana both tip their heads sideways, to look at the television.
John Headroom: "I may look Sebacean, but I'm not... not... not. Billions upon b-b-billions upon billions of lives hang in the b-b-balance... hang in the b-b-balance... I may look Sebacean... hang in the b-b-balance..."
Stark goes to a filing cabinet and opens the middle drawer. He lifts out a large goose and tosses it aside. It squawks and flies away. He then reaches in and takes out a golden egg.
Stark: "Hmm." He shakes the egg, which rattles. He tosses it over his shoulder.
John Headroom: "... hang in the b-b-balance... Your mission, should you choose to accept it... your mission, should you choose to accept it... journey to the source of evil-evil. Discover the darkness."
John: "I'm gonna kill Stark."
John Headroom: "Discover the darkness... discover the darkness..."
Stark lifts a book out of the filing cabinet.
Chiana giggles.
John Headroom: "Er-rp, er-rp. Have a good day."
Stark hits the tv on its side again and it goes blank. He holds up the book: "Menu."
He slams the book down on the table and begins to loudly turn pages.
Stark: "Ahh... specifications... specifications... ah!" He opens a page that has a goose down feather in it. He blows the feather away.
Stark: "Here we are..." He begins to read out of the book... "In farthest space, beyond the knowing charts, the horrid human and his band appear. And though they play today at different parts, the core of subtle truth beneath is clear. The path of choice may draw you dark and deep, where flesh deformed doth keep the dream alive. And if the way your compass cannot keep, some pearls of wisdom to thee do I give." He reads very fast. "Hah! This should do it." He pulls up a round, magnifying glass and reads through it, much slower than before. Just his one eye shows through the magnifier: "Your quest is for the princess fair to seek... the one the human's fleeting love did rend. Bring forth the sword, and through the darkness peek. One loving kiss amends and there's an end. And if we shades with taste do not agree, a door of green shall set your senses free."
He pushes away the magnifier and he is now wearing a harlequins outfit, complete with pageboy hairdoo. His mask is now silver, but still on the wrong side. He pulls off his feathered cap and sweeps his hand into the air and chuckles.
Chiana: "That was great. What was that?"
Stark: "Your way out. Kiss the Princess."
John: "Kiss a princess."
Stark: "The Princess, and you're out. Or find a green door. Either way."
He pulls three white rubbery balls out of his pocket and shows them to John: "Vouchers. Each one good for one answer to one question." He tosses them to John, one at a time. John catches them.
Stark: "Squeeze them hard. Use them well. Time's up. Game's on. Good luck. Have fun. The tower's up but up is down. Follow the path through the fairy town."
Stark swirls his cape up over his face and disappears.
John: "I have... some questions."
Chiana: "Path?"
Chiana looks at a picture of the castle. At the bottom it says "Fairy Tale" At the top, it says "A Grim".
Chiana: "Up... is down. Start lookin."
On the floor, there is a line of gold coins. They lead to the wall and up it to a tiny red door.
Chiana: "Kiss the princess. You gotta like that."
John: "I have a list of reasons why I ain't gonna like any of this. Would you call that a path? These things look like chocolate coins."
John and Chiana walk along beside the coins, holding hands. When they get to the wall, John reaches out and turns the knob on the tiny red door.
There is the sound of the door opening and they both fall to their knees, gasping for breath. There is smoke around them. They are now inside an apparently empty parking structure.
Chiana: "Frell me!" She laughs and gets back on her feet. There is a whooshing sound.
Chiana: "That's a path."
John gets up, holding his head: "Hey, what happens if I die in here?"
Chiana: "Uh, game death resets on the current level."
John: "Yah, unless normal operation is suspended."
They are walking across the parking lot, towards what appears to be a 1970's "Flower Power" VW bus. Chiana keeps extending her legs out to the side, alternately, as if she were trying to get her tights to fit.
John: "Do you see a green door?" They stop and look at the VW bus.
Chiana: "What do you suppose is in there?"
John: "With our luck, Maldis."
The writing on the side of the bus is now visible. It says: "Palms Read. Stars. Hypnosis. Fortune Telling." There is also a large blue hand painted on it, with a "third eye" in the palm. There are curtains drawn over the side windows and the bus is rocking, making loud creaking and squeaking sounds. They inch slowly closer to the bus. Chiana half pulls her sword. As they get next to the bus, they can see inside a large, bald, blue man. John and Chiana turn their heads and look at each other. A voice is heard faintly, from the van and suddenly the rocking stops and the door opens. John backs quickly away and pulls his sword. The bald, blue man climbs out of the van. He is naked from the waist up and has rather large, pendulous blue breasts.
Big Zhaan: "Hey man. Ohhh!" He puts his hand out towards John: "Relax, Tagama. I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan, tenth level Delvian Priest. Blood kin to the Piezor who beat Scorpy's ass. And you... (he looks at Chiana) and you... you're invading my parking space. Now, frell off!" He starts back towards the van. Chiana puts up her sword to stop him.
Chiana: "Hey wait, wh... where... where... ?"
Big Zhaan: "I know who you are. You're a couple of pilgrims on some damn fool quest."
Chiana: "Hey, he's hurt."
Big Zhaan: "He's hurt?" He glances over at the rod sticking out of John's head.
Chiana: "Yah."
Big Zhaan: "Well, he's gonna be more hurt if he tries to kiss the princess. The ogre'll get him."
John: "O... ogre?"
Big Zhaan stomps on John's foot.
John: "Uhh! Ahh!"
Big Zhaan punches him, and he falls down, flat on his back.
John: "Uhh!"
Big Zhaan grins and Chiana chuckles.
Big Zhaan comes and stands over John: "Be still." He leans over and puts a hand on the neck of John's armor: "It's gonna hurt... a lot." Big Zhaan reaches up and grabs hold of the rod and yanks it out of John's skull.
John screams and drops his head back on the pavement. Big Zhaan looks at the rod he is holding.
The front of the bus has a spare tire with a large yellow daisy painted on its cover. Inside...
Chiana: "He doesn't look so good."
Big Zhaan is licking the matter off the rod he took out of John's head: "Yup. He's bad. He's goin South." Big Zhaan makes some gasping, grunting noises: "Oh.. oh.. oh.. oh..!" while Chiana looks at John, lying on the floor of the van.
Big Zhaan: "It's milkin time, baby. Hamman side looma for the cure."
Chiana reaches behind her and grabs a goblet which she hands to Big Zhaan.
Big Zhaan takes it: "Ohh! Thank you." He puts it under his gown and holds it to his right breast. "Yah. Better get ready to keep him quiet."
Chiana looks back at John.
Big Zhaan: "The ogre's not going to let you kiss her, you know."
Chiana: "Hmm?"
Big Zhaan: "He'll be jealous."
Chiana: "Feed him, you fannik."
Big Zhaan pulls the goblet out from under his gown and holds it out to Chiana. There is a milkish white liquid in it. "Here's the good stuff. Here it is."
Chiana: "Frell!" She knocks the cup out of his hand. It splashes onto some cloth and begins to hiss and smoke.
Big Zhaan: "Oh."
Chiana: "Acid." She get's in Big Zhaan's face and holds her dagger to his throat. "Okay try... the other looma."
Big Zhaan smiles at her: "Very good, little nixar. Most get burnt the first time. Okay, here we go. Other looma." He raises his arm and holds the goblet under his left breast. "Next time lucky. Unless the ogre gets wind of this. Then there'll be trouble." He pulls the goblet out and brings it to John's lips.
Big Zhaan: "Okay, here's the boo boy. Keep it down. Keep it down." He pours the liquid into John's mouth and much of it dribbles and runs down his chin. Big Zhaan pats John on the chest. John gurgles, then suddenly sits straight up and starts screaming.
Inside the control room, on the sideways tv screen, John's face appears, mouth wide open, screaming. The goose is sitting on top of the tv console.
Chiana and Big Zhaan both start screaming too. Big Zhaan stands up. John falls onto his back and stops screaming.
Big Zhaan wrings his hands: "This is bad."
John is writhing on the floor of the van.
Big Zhaan: "Ohh, he had to hear that. Buckle up, buckle up, buckle up!" He climbs to the front of the van and sits in the driver's seat. The van engine starts.
Chiana: "Who had to hear?"
Big Zhaan: "The big Kahuna! It's the Ogre! It's him!" Big Zhaan peers up and out of the windscreen of the van. The tires squeal and the van takes off through the parking structure. The screen splits so that both the inside and the outside of the van shows. They drive quickly away until the brakes squeal and the van suddenly stops.
Big Zhaan: "Get out! Get out!"
The van takes off, tires squealing, and leaves John and Chiana beside a line of gold coins. John is lying flat on his back, on the pavement. Chiana straddles him and slaps him on the face.
John mumbles: "I don't wanta go..."
The van disappears around a concrete pillar.
John: "Zhaan."
Chiana: "Yah."
John: "Oh, the horror."
Chiana: "The new and improved Zhaan. How're you feelin?"
John licks his lips: "Fruity."
Chiana laughs.
The yellow line down the center of the parking structure is lined with yellow coins.
John: "If you say so."
Chiana: "You have to, Crichton."
They are following the line of coins around a curve.
Chiana: "Or these games will eat you up."
John: "Alright, I'll try."
Chiana: "Just give it a go. Give it a go."
John: "I said, I'll... whoa!"
They stop when they see, far down the line of coins, Rygel sitting astride the line. He is dressed in black armor with a black feather in his hat.
Knight Rygel: "None shall pass." Some "royal" music plays. A fanfare. Rygel waves a tiny sword in the air.
John laughs: "Check this out." He stops and takes a stance, to address Rygel: "Brave Sir Knight. I am King Arthur of Camelot. This is my loyal vassal, Patsy."
Knight Rygel: "Bollocks! You're a pimped-out arrogant fleshie who wants to use my road where none shall pass." The fanfare plays again.
John: "Right." He turns around and walks back to Chiana.
Chiana: "Well, that went great. Let's kill him."
John: "No, no, no. He's not gonna move to fast, luggin all that armor. We can just go around."
Knight Rygel: "None... shall... pass." (fanfare)
John: "Right." He nods at Chiana and starts to stroll towards Knight Rygel.
Knight Rygel grunts and turns around so his back is to them. He pulls back his robe and exposes something like a miniature trunk, coming out of his backside. There is a squirting noise and flames shoot out of his rear, forcing John and Chiana back. Knight Rygel grunts again and more flames shoot out.
Chiana: "Whoa!" She quickly runs away in the opposite direction.
John: "Whoa! I thought you said this way."
Chiana: "I changed my mind." She pulls both her sword and her dagger. At the sound of the metal weapons being drawn, Knight Rygel turns and sees Chiana.
Knight Rygel: "Huh?"
John starts running at him too.
Knight Rygel: "Huh?" He spins around again and grunts and flames again shoot out of his behind. Chiana does a diving roll over the flames and slides into Knight Rygel, sword first. She lets out one of her ringing war yells. Knight Rygel screams when the sword runs into him and more flames shoot out. Chiana rolls back away and crosses her weapons. All that is left of Knight Rygel is a smoking husk with flames where the head should be.
John stands where he was, off to the side: "Whoa."
Chiana laughs and gets up onto her knees. She uses her sword to knock some of the smoke away.
John: "Hey, Pip. You see a path?"
Chiana looks around: "No. No I don't"
Chiana and John are both still attached to the game blob. Chiana is jerking and gasping. The sound of the transport pod engine is very loud.
John: "I said to wait but no, you want to play games while Scorpy is on the ship! Not to mention the potential brain damage, Chiana!"
Chiana: "A green door. We need a green door. J... just ask..." She pats his pocket: "Voucher."
John pulls out one of the white rubbery balls: "Voucher. One question, one answer." He squeezes the ball tightly in his fingers and it starts to glow green. There is a jingling sound and the flames inside the burnt out Knight Rygel flare up again. Stark's head appears in the flames.
Stark: "Warm tonight, or is it just me?"
John:"Stark, we want out."
Stark: "The tower's up but up is down, follow the path through the fairy town. Later." His face disappears.
John: "Stark! You get your ass back here now, or I'm gonna come kick your lily white..." He stops and looks down in confusion at the burnt head that is now sitting in Knight Rygel's remains.
Chiana: "That's it!" She kicks the head aside. It rattles as it rolls away.
John: "What're you doin?"
Chiana: "Follow the path. The path ends here." She stomps on what appears to be a manhole cover that was underneath Stark's head.
John grunts as they both fall through the manhole cover into another room with various sized doors around the walls. Chiana grunts as she lands. D'Argo is in the room, and he backs away from them, swinging his arms wildly. He is dressed in red leiderhosen and a spotted shirt. He has oven mitts on both his hands. Above him hangs a round metal cage. In it are Jool and Chiana, both dressed as witches.
D'Argo: "Yii!" He is breathing heavily. "Okay. What're you doin here?" There are giant lollypops and a huge black cauldron behind him.
Witch Chiana: "Hey, Gretel! Do you think they're here to eat?" She laughs.
John and Chiana struggle to their feet.
John: "Uh... we're just passing through?"
D'Argo: "The Princess."
Witch Jool: "Pweese!" She sticks an arm out of the cage and waves at John and Chiana.
D'Argo: "The Ogre's gonna have my hide if I let you go without some molestation."
Witch Jool screams: "Frell you, Hansel. Why is it never..."
Hansel D'Argo laughs manically.
The screen splits and Hansel D'Argo starts to run after them, prancing. John stands there holding out his sword as Chiana runs around the table, chased by Hansel D'Argo who is still laughing.
John: "Hey, look. W... w... we don't want to kiss the Princess. We just want that, that green door there." John points with his sword to a green door on the wall. Chiana stops running and stands by John. Hansel D'Argo jumps up and hangs from the bottom of the cage, swinging and laughing.
Witch Jool is screaming: "Please, please, please. My turn! Eat me! It's my turn!"
Hansel D'Argo: "Shut up!" He drops down from the cage. He sighs and turns around to face John and Chiana. He walks towards them.
Hansel D'Argo: "Okay. So you want out. No Princess... no tastes... no, uh..." He whistles. Overhead, the witches giggle.
Chiana: "Now this... is too easy."
Witch Chiana: "She tastes great."
Witch Jool is leaning into the bars and running her tongue over her lips, suggestively.
Witch Chiana: "Ahh! She tastes real great."
Witch Jool: "Me, me, me, me, me..."
Hansel D'Argo: "Go on. That's it."
Witch Chiana has taken off her hat and is climbing on Witch Jool's shoulders.
Witch Chiana: "Yummy."
Hansel D'Argo: "That's it. Go to the door."
John puts his hand on the doorknob of the green door just as Hansel D'Argo tongues Chiana. She falls with a thud.
John detaches from the game blob and falls to the floor of the transport pod. Chiana is still attached to the blob.
John: "Damn! Way too long in that thing. Pip! Come on!" He gets up and staggers off. He hurries to the communications control.
John comms: "Pilot? Aeryn? D'Argo?"
D'Argo and Aeryn are in a corridor on Moya together. They are both armed.
D'Argo comms: "Crichton! Where the frell are you?"
John gasps: "Just tryin to get home, Auntie Em. Hey, you guys got a problem?"
D'Argo: "Scorpius."
John: "Just do not tell me that he has escaped."
D'Argo: "He has... and there's a Command Carrier on the way."
John grits his teeth.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
The transport pod is still alone in space.
John comms: "D'Argo, how the hell did that happen?"
D'Argo: "Still working on that. We've got lots of bugs in Moya's systems."
There is a rumble and a jerk and D'Argo and Aeryn are staggered.
John: "Oh, great. Well, what does Sikozu say about that?"
D'Argo: "Haven't heard from her since the escape."
Aeryn: "But Pilot's losing control of critical systems."
John: "Right, right, right. We will be there a.s.a.p." He hurries over to where Chiana is still holding onto the game blob.
John: "Chiana damn it, wake up!"
John stops by her, with his hands up in the air: "All right. All right, how the hell... does this thing come off?" He touches her finger and is instantly...
...in a room with many different doors on the walls. He pulls his sword and looks around. It is the Hanzel and Gretel room but the only person there is the Witch Jool in the swinging cage. Hanzel D'Argo is standing silently against the far wall.
John looks around: "Where's Chiana?"
The Witch Chiana is tied up and lying on the floor near some flour sacks.
Hanzel D'Argo: "Ahh, she's too bony... probably tastes like fish. You don't want to eat her. The bloody bitch bites." He is cutting up something on a table.
From her cage, Witch Jool yells: "What am I, chopped liver?!"
John whispers: "I do not have time for this."
Witch Jool: "How come nobody ever wants to eat me?!"
John pulls a white ball out of his pocket and squeezes it. There is a jingling sound.
Stark's voice: "In here."
John: "Where?" John looks on the table where there is a platter with a domed lid.
Stark: "In here." His voice has a hollow sound.
John lifts the lid and Stark's head is there, sitting on a bed of lettuce.
Stark: "Back so soon? And I thought you didn't like us."
John: "Where's Chiana?"
Stark: "Could you be more specific?"
John pulls his sword and levels it at Stark's face: "Little grey girl, a sword and a floppy hat."
Stark: "Girl of grey with swords at play. Girl of grey went that-a-way."
John walks over to the blue, elevator door that Stark looked at. He presses the button and there is a beeping noise.
Stark: "Wait for it! Mind the gap."
John stares at Stark as the elevator door opens behind him. He turns and walks into the elevator. He plants his sword on the floor and looks out at Stark as the door closes behind him.
There is a rank of elevator buttons on the wall. 6, 26, 46 on the top row, 5, 25, 45 on the next row, 4, 24, 44, on the third row and 3, 23, 43 on the bottom row. The numbers continue up this way to the top row, which is 20, 40, 60. John looks at them and points.
John: "Eenie, meenie..."
The John Headroom face appears on a monitor screen beside the elevator buttons: "Floor please."
John: "... me. Where the grey girl went."
John Headroom: "Oh-oh-oh-oh. The penthouse. Mmm."
John laughs.
John Headroom: "Do you have an appointment?"
John: "You know, this would be vaguely amusing if I wasn't in a hurry."
John Headroom: "It's your funeral. So-so-so-so wh-what brings you here? Business?"
John watches the numbers go slowly downwards.
John Headroom: "Pleasure? That's a nice sword you've got. Ever slay any dragons with it? you should give it a name. How about... Cameron or Uma-uma-uma? First floor, little lost girls. Have a good day."
John smiles, nods and winks at John Headroom. The elevator dings and the door opens. Standing outside the door is a Scarran in a red cloak and hood.
John: "Whoa!" He holds up his sword and backs away, into the back of the elevator.
The Scarran has a rope around his waist. Tied to it are the severed heads of a wolf and a girl. The Scarran growls. John kills the Scarran with his sword.
John Headroom: "Yes, I know. This elevator sucks. My job sucks-sucks-sucks."
John is huffing and puffing for air.
John Headroom: "Day after day, the same-same thing... up. Down-up. Down-down. Just once-just once, it'd be nice to go sideways. Just-just... sideways." His face slides to the outer edge of the monitor.
There is tinkly music playing in the elevator. John stands against the back wall, holding onto the rails.
John Headroom: "Frog princes."
A Sheyang growls and breathes fire into the elevator.
John lops off the Sheyang's head with his sword. He holds the head in his hand.
John Headroom: "Not-not that I plan on doing this forever-ever. I have plans, you know. Big plans. I'm-I'm-I'm studying to be an astronaut. And... penthouse. Have a good day."
The smoke filled elevator door opens into a brightly lit room. John holds the Sheyang's head out in front of him as he enters it. He has the Scarran's head tucked under his other arm. He throws the heads down at the feet of a Scorpius-like creature. This creature looks on in alarm. He is wearing a red uniform coat and has a leaf growing out of the end of his pointed nose.
John: "I knew it. I knew it had to be you!" He draws his sword.
Creature: "Ma'am! A visitor." He turns towards a giant four-poster bed. Seated on it is a "Southern Belle" Aeryn, complete with curly blonde wig and low-cut gown.
Blonde Aeryn: "Yeth. I can thee that." (she talks with a Southern accent and a lisp).
Creature: "I'm so sorry, Ma'am. I didn't realize you were expecting other guests."
Blonde Aeryn: "That's all right, Harvey. Would you let the master know we have a gentleman caller?"
Harvey backs away from the bed.
John: "He's not... the ogre?"
Blonde Aeryn: "What, Harvey? Oh, heavens no. He's just an incorrigible liar... and the butler. So, can I help you find someplace to theath that thword?"
John: "No. Where's, uh..."
Blonde Aeryn: "The grey girl? Don't you worry about her. My beast of a boyfriend is..." She gets up and walks towards John, who begins backing away. "... showing her around the place. Can I get you a drink?"
John: "No."
Blonde Aeryn: "Oh, don't be like that. You must be parched from coming all this way."
John: "I only want Chiana."
Blonde Aeryn looks in his face: "Oh now..." She reaches out and runs her finger slowly down his nose to his lips: "... we both know that's not true." Blonde Aeryn coquettishly bites her lower lip as she rubs John's lips with her fingertip.
A deep voice rumbles: "Honey!"
At the sound of the voice, John whirls around and sees a huge Ogre, with curling horns on the sides of his head, a black beard, mustache and hair and fangs.
Ogre: "We're out of ice!" He is wearing a brown fur on his shoulders and is carrying an axe. John levels his sword at the Ogre.
Ogre: "Steady on there, meat. We just finished redecorating the last bloodbath we had in here." He laughs a deep, rumbling laugh. "It's a little... joke."
Blonde Aeryn titters.
The Ogre sits down: "So... you here to... kiss the missus?"
Blonde Aeryn: "Why do you half to be thuch a monthter?"
Ogre: "At least I don't spend my days redecorating." He stands back up again: "What is it with women and change? Seems like nothing... is ever good enough."
Blonde Aeryn: "Uhh!" She turns to John and grabs him by the shoulder.
John screams: "CHIANA!"
Blonde Aeryn: "You have to save me from him. You have to save me."
Chiana bounces in: "Hey!"
John: "What the hell have you been doin?" He jams his sword in its sheath. "We have a problem on the ship. We have to go!"
Chiana: "Okay."
Blonde Aeryn: "Every time we meet thomeone nithe, you scare them away." She flings her arms at the Ogre.
Chiana hurries along beside John: "Something wrong?"
Blonde Aeryn: "You scare them away."
John takes Chiana's hand: "Of course, as usual. Now let's go."
John touches the green door on the Princess' wall and there is a flash of light.
John and Chiana both fall away from the game blob, onto the floor of the transport pod. Chiana looks around at her surroundings and breaths: "Frell."
John immediately reaches for some barrels to help him pull himself to his feet. Breathing hard, he staggers to the comms console.
John comms: "D... rally the troops. We're comin in."
The transport pod arrives at Moya and flies inside.
As soon as the pod lands, John hustles down the ladder with Chiana right behind him. D'Argo and Aeryn are waiting for them in the hangar bay.
D'Argo: "What took you so long?"
John: "Weird detour." He walks into the bay to join the others.
D"Argo: "Pilot's blind on the hamman side, tiers seven and eleven."
Aeryn: "DRD's are searching there. It's likely Scorpius is hiding in those blank spots."
D'Argo: "The plan is... we hunt him down."
John: "I like that plan."
D'Argo: "Aeryn and John, you take tier seven and Rygel, stay where you are, and stay out of trouble."
Rygel watches from behind a barrel as the other four leave the hangar bay.
D'Argo and Chiana go through a doorway, searching. D'Argo has his qualta blade out and ready. He nods at Chiana. She starts down one side of the corridor while D'Argo goes down the other way.
John and Aeryn walk together though a deserted corridor.
John: "This is familiar."
Aeryn, quietly: "What? The passageway?"
John: "No." He looks at Aeryn: "It's good to have you back."
Aeryn smiles a tiny smile and follows him.
D'Argo enters a chamber and stops. He sniffs loudly.
In another part of the corridor, Chiana hears D'Argo scream: "JOHN!"
Pilot comms: "Crichton! Aeryn! He's here!"
Aeryn takes off at a run, with John close behind her: "On our way, Pilot."
Scorpius walks across the catwalk in Pilot's den, followed by some DRD's.
Scorpius: "Seal the chamber."
The door starts to swing shut.
John and Aeryn arrive just as the door to Pilot's den slams shut.
John grunts as he tries to pry it back open, to no avail.
Aeryn puts her back against the door, to catch her breath: "Locked out."
John comms: "D'Argo!"
Chiana runs alone down an empty corridor.
Aeryn comms: "Pilot."
John: "Pip?"
Chiana comms back: "Crichton, I can't find D'Argo."
Aeryn slaps John on the arm: "Access shaft this way." She hurries off, followed by John. They hurry along until they come to the end of the access shaft.
John: "Feels like a trap."
Aeryn: "Only one way to find out."
Together, John and Aeryn jump down from the edge of the access shaft, into Pilot's den.
Aeryn: "Pilot?" She starts to walk across the catwalk. "You all right?"
Pilot doesn't respond but, from beside him, on his console, a DRD begins firing its gun at them. Aeryn runs back, bumping into John. Holding on to each other, they stagger to the end of the catwalk, near the chamber door. The DRD continues firing. Finally, it stops and John and Aeryn catch their breaths.
Pilot: "Everything is finally under control."
John: "Pilot?"
Pilot: "Not exactly, Commander. Have you ever heard of a neural harness?"
Scorpius steps out into the open: "Your Pilot's mind is now slave to my own."
John pulls his gun and points it at Scorpius, grimacing.
Aeryn: "John."
Scorpius: "Whatever happens to the master... happens to the slave. If I die, so does your Pilot."
John: "Grayza's Command Carrier is on the way. He's a pathological liar... our odds are not going to get any better."
Scorpius: "Feeling lucky?"
John continues to stare at Scorpius. Aeryn takes her pistol in both her hands and hits John in the face with it. She grunts as she does.
John gasps as he falls to the floor. He raises his head and gasps again: "Aeryn?"
Aeryn kicks him in the face and he goes quiet. She looks back down the runway, to Scorpius. He smiles and crosses his arms, leaning back against Pilot's console.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Aeryn stands outside a cell on Moya, looking in.
John groans.
Aeryn: "He's awake."
John is laying on his back, inside the cell. He sighs: "He did it, didn't he? Tagged you with a microchip."
Aeryn: "You haven't considered the possibility that I was protecting Pilot."
John: "The second boot to the head convinced me otherwise."
Scorpius walks up, outside the cell door, and joins Aeryn. John immediately rolls over on his side and stares at Scorpius.
Scorpius touches Aeryn's shoulder and she walks away.
Scorpius: "She's special... don't you think?"
John gets to his feet as the cell door opens: "You son-of-a-bitch."
Scorpius comes into the cell and walks over to face John. The door closes behind him.
Scorpius: "Shall we end this?" He taps John on the shoulder with something. John takes it and looks at it. It is some kind of spike.
Scorpius: "You resisted the Aurora Chair. You've resisted my neural clone and, uh... you resist all reason."
John: "You're starting to sound like Sikozu." John looks at the spike as he holds it.
Scorpius stands at the cell door, with his back to John: "Perhaps. Where does that leave us, John?"
John: "TIme you headed off to darker pastures and left me the hell alone."
Scorpius: "You resist because you have hope. Hope that your friends will save you. This time it will be different. One by one I will extinquish all your hopes and little by little you
will begin to see reason."
Aeryn comms: "Scorpius. We have Rygel."
Scorpius: "Lovely girl. I hear that one quarter Scarran-Sebacean offspring are quite handsome." He turns around and smiles at John.
John hisses. He runs at Scorpius with the spike but stops just short of hitting him. He tries again and again but cannot hit Scorpius with the spike.
Scorpius leans towards John: "You harm me... you harm her." He hits John in the face and knocks him down.
John cries out as he falls.
John sits in his cell, holding the spike.
A DRD is outside the door to his cell and a second one joins it. They are chirp to each other.
John hears Chiana's voice.
Chiana: "Psst. Hey, Crichton."
John looks around.
Chiana: "Down here."
He sees her hand wiggling around, coming out of a duct next to the floor.
John glances out at the DRD's and then goes over to the duct and gets down on his knees by it.
Chiana: "I've got the game." She laughs. John reaches his hand through the duct and Chiana slams the game onto it.
John is in his armor and Chiana is in her blue vest and floppy stripped hat. They are standing in the bedroom of the Princess and the Ogre.
John: "Chiana!"
Chiana: "Shh... They're sleeping."
The Princess and the Ogre are lying side-by-side on the four poster bed. They are both fully clothed as they were earlier. Chiana grabs John by both his arms.
Chiana: "Okay... I don't want to have to deal with them now. Okay, Scorpius has got control of the whole of the ship. He's got D'Argo and Rygel... everybody. He can hear everything." She shakes her head: "Not in here."
John: "Right. We can't kill the sum-bitch without hurtin the others. Whatever happens to him... happens to everybody he controls. So leave me the game blob thingy. When I take him down, you've got to find a way to hog-tie everybody."
Chiana: "So you're going to draw Scorpius into the game."
John smiles.
The two DRD's are still outside the door to John's cell.
John puts something under his open jacket. He picks up the spike and looks at it. He holds it in his left hand and presses his right thumb on its edge.
He grits his teeth and grunts as he presses. Blood drips from his thumb onto the floor of the cell. He takes his thumb and rubs it in the blood, smearing it on the floor.
Aeryn comes up to the two DRD's. She crosses over to John's cell door and looks in.
Aeryn: "What are you doing?"
John is sitting on the cell floor, drawing equations in blood.
John: "Working on what your master wants."
Aeryn crosses her arms across her chest: "So you still think that he controls me."
John: "Does he?" He continues to draw.
Aeryn: "Look. The only thing that keeps you alive is the secret you hold. And the same is true for me."
John: "He's hearing all this you know."
Aeryn: "I know."
John: "I should never have let you go."
Scorpius comes to the cell door and grabs hold of the bars. Aeryn glances at him then looks back towards John.
John: "Most of this floor you should recognize. It's an equation describing the behavior of wormholes. What it lacks is the single, unifying symbol. That symbol is beneath my left foot. Would you like to see it?"
Scorpius looks startled: "You would give it to me?"
John: "I want you to take it."
The cell door opens, and Scorpius enters. The door swings shut behind him.
Scorpius: "Your species has brutal flair."
John: "Anyone else enters this room... I can spill enough blood to erase the entire equation."
Aeryn is outside the cell door, still looking in.
Scorpius: "Very well." He looks meaningfully at Aeryn. "You know if you kill me..."
He walks over and stands right in front of John.
John: "Oh, I don't think that's going to happen. Not after all you've survived. Then again... I could get lucky."
John raises the spike with his right hand. Scorpius grabs him by the wrist and they struggle. They both grunt. Scorpius grabs John by the throat with his other hand. John takes his left hand and slaps the game blob onto the side of Scorpius' face.
John grimaces. He is standing in the middle of the passageway of the Gammak base. He is wearing his PK Officers uniform.
John: "Aww, crap. I wasn't..."
Gilina appears in the corridor: "Quick... this way!"
She turns around and starts down the corridor but stops. Scorpius steps into the corridor in front of her.
Gilina: "He's not supposed to come... from that direction." She gasps and points at Scorpius. She hurries back to John and gets behind him.
Scorpius: "Really, John. You expect to hold me in a simulation?"
John reaches for his pulse pistol and pulls out a banana, pointing it at Scorpius.
John: "Seemed like a good idea at the time." He tosses the banana away.
Scorpius: "This world means nothing to me. I see through its very existence."
Gilina: "John?" She starts to back away, towards the doorway behind her.
Scorpius: "Allow me to show you what I see."
Gilina puts her hands to her face and screams as she dissolves into a series of data strings that swirl and vanish.
John and Scorpius are still locked in hand-to-hand combat. Scorpius has his hand to John's throat and John is pressing the game blob tightly to the side of Scorpius' face.
Scorpius: "Having trouble..."
"... breathing?" Scorpius walks around John.
John stands in the middle of the Gammak base corridor, gasping for breath.
Scorpius: "I wonder if you die now, whether your mind will carry the wormhole knowledge with it... into the game?"
Aeryn stands outside the cell, looking in, watching the two men struggle. John's face is getting dark from lack of breath.
Scorpius: "Relax, John." He continues to circle the immobile John. "Soon it'll be over."
There is a flash of light and many odd shaped and colored doors flash by.
John cries out as Aeryn pulls him out of Scorpius' grasp. She catches him and helps him over to the wall. Scorpius remains standing, the game blob stuck to the side of his face.
Aeryn: "He was killing you. I couldn't let that happen. We have to get out of here before he comes out. Come on." She pulls John past the trembling Scorpius, out into the corridor.
Aeryn continues to pull John along, down the corridor.
John tries to turn and look back: "What about the others?"
Aeryn pulls John to her: "We can't save the others. Listen... John. I came back for you. Nothing else matters. I just... want to be with you." She reaches out and takes him gently by the neck and kisses him. "Now let's get out of here, before it's too late."
John looks distressed: "Something's wrong." They both look back down the corridor. John looks overhead as well. He is holding onto Aeryn's wrists. "Something's wrong."
John let's go of Aeryn and pats his pocket. He gets a strange look on his face as he pulls the last white rubber ball out of his pocket. He holds the ball up and stares at it and also at Aeryn, as he backs away from her, down the corridor.
Aeryn: "Does this mean it's over?"
John turns and runs from Aeryn. He screams: "Chiana!" He runs into a room and Chiana grabs him as he rushes past.
Chiana: "What's wrong?
John holds up the white ball for her to see: "Everything. We're still in the game."
Chiana breathes: "Oh."
John: "We never left. Moya is part of the game."
There is a thudding sound behind him. John turns to look. A green door has appeared in the chamber on Moya. John and Chiana walk over to it and look at it. John reaches out his hand and runs it down the middle of the door. The green paint rubs off, showing the cream color underneath.
John: "They changed the doors."
"Figured it out, have we?" Stark appears in the chamber, behind them.
John: "Stark! What the hell is this about?" He walks towards Stark.
Scorpius is standing at the door, painting it. He talks, but Stark's voice comes out: "This... is all about you, John Crichton. You're far too sick... to be allowed to run free in the Universe. When you die on the outside, your mind will live on, here... with us."
He spreads his arms: "Welcome home, John."
Just past the green door, at the end of the chamber, the large, puffy castle is visible, with the green carpet runner leading up to its door.
Aboard the transport pod, John and Chiana sit facing each other, hand still touching... still connected to the game blob.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
John in his armor and Chiana in her blue vest and floppy hat are in the control room for the game.
John: "How the hell do we get outta this game?"
Chiana: "I don't know."
They both look at the things that are on the table by the sideways tv set.
John: "Then this better work."
Chiana: "Okay."
John takes the last voucher and squeezes it. Bells chime.
Stark: "Careful. It's your last one."
John clumsily draws his sword and back away from the table, looking for Stark.
John: "What the hell's the endgame?"
Stark: "One hero's sword to set her free-free-free..."
John and Chiana come around the end of the table and find Stark is inside the headroom tv.
Stark Headroom: "...one kiss upon her lips so sweet. Thus ends your quest, thus ends the game-game and thus your soul is saved."
Chiana: "Oh, we already heard that."
John: "Yah, I know that, but finding a door out may be impossible."
Stark Headroom's head vibrates and he makes a noise.
John: "If we die, it only resets a level. One sure way out, we achieve the endgame." He looks at Stark inside the tv: "We're going to kiss the Princess."
Stark Headroom: "Run, run, run, as fast as you can. Don't touch the budong..."
John hauls back his sword...
Stark Headroom screams: "Not in the face!"
...as John hits the tv screen full on with his sword. It explodes in fire and smoke. John walks away: "Bastard wants us to play... let's give him what he wants."
There is a flash of lights and a door....
John and Chiana are inside the parking structure, walking around the "hippy" van. John twirls his sword and looks at it as he comes around the front of the van. Big Zhaan is sitting in the side doorway of the van, rubbing his head.
Big Zhaan (but with Stark's voice): "That hurt, John."
John: "Stark." He laughs: "Huh."
Big Zhaan stops rubbing his head and looks at John.
John: "So, how'd you do it? Who helped?"
Big Zhaan stands up: "You did." (still using Stark's voice) He walks towards John: "You and that tragic brother. Pouring his heart out on his death bed."
John: "Bull. This game has crap he couldn't know."
Big Zhaan: "It's crap you gave me along the way. You talk so much."
John shakes his head: "Oh, god... no Sikozu... no Noranti." He laughs. "Very good. Damn, I guess that leaves one question. Plants. Why do they love the light?"
Big Zhaan looks confused. The van's horn blows. Chiana has gotten in it and is sitting behind the wheel. She continues to sound the horn until Big Zhaan turns around and sees her. Then, Chiana turns on the headlights of the van.
Big Zhaan stares at the van: "Oh, John... no!"
While he is transfixed by the van lights, John hits him on the back of the head with the handle of his sword and knocks him out. Big Zhaan falls down face first onto the concrete.
John, quietly: "Ha!"
Knight Rygel sits in the middle of the parking structure.
Knight Rygel: "None shall pass."
Chiana stands in front of him and twirls her sword.
Knight Rygel: "Where is he?" He looks up when he hears the sound of tires squealing.
Chiana pirouettes as John drives the van straight at Rygel.
Knight Rygel: "Ah!!!" His eyes fly wide open in alarm. He screams again as John runs over the top of him with the van. Bits and pieces go flying.
John laughs maniacally.
John and Chiana drop down into Hanzel D'Argo's room.
Hanzel D'Argo is spooning something out of Witch Jool's stomach while she makes excited, happy noises. Chiana sees her and laughs.
Witch Jool: "What are they doing here?"
D'Argo just turns his head to look, but keeps eating.
Witch Jool: "It's my turn!"
On the end of the table, where she has been trussed up like a pig, with an apple in her mouth, Witch Chiana mumbles and bumps her head.
Hanzel D'Argo: "You are disturbing... my meal." He goes back to spooning and eating.
John: "Chiana?"
Chiana: "Yah?"
John: "Does this room seem too easy?"
Witch Chiana calls out something unintelligible, through the apple gag.
Chiana: "What do you mean?"
John: "I mean, first time here... how did you make it through?"
Hanzel D'Argo stops eating and looks over at John and Chiana.
Chiana: "Uh..."
John: "Chiana, what's Aeryn's secret?"
Chiana: "What?"
Witch Chiana mumbles some more.
John: "Aeryn's secret."
Chiana half smiles and looks away. Witch Chiana mumbles again. John hits Chiana, knocking her back.
Witch Jool screams: "Noooo!" as Hanzel D'Argo lifts the end of the table behind her head and flings her off, onto the floor. She lands in a bed of lettuce, at John's feet.
Witch Jool screams: "What about me?"
John kicks her in the face and knocks her out.
Hanzel D'Argo picks up a giant lollypop and holds it.
John runs over to Witch Chiana and unties her. He lifts her off the table as Hanzel D'Argo swings the giant lollypop at them. John comes at Hanzel D'Argo with his sword. Hanzel D'Argo swings wildly with his lollypop.
Chiana: "Hey! Eat this!"
Hanzel D'Argo: "Huh?" He turns around in time to see Chiana swing another giant lollypop and hit him in the head with it. Hanzel D'Argo falls onto the floor, his lollypop lying over him. There is the sound of birds chirping.
Chiana giggles as he falls.
Chiana: "Aeryn's pregnant." She walks over to John: "Frell, Crichton. You left me there for arns. I could have died!"
John: "Sorry about that."
The elevator buttons light up as the elevator whine. John and Chiana are riding in it. Chiana has a leg propped up on the hand rail and she is looking at John. She is back in her blue vest and floppy hat outfit.
John Headroom: "Psst. What is it with women and change? You-you-you really are John Crrrichton. Can I get an autograph?"
There is the sound of a sword clanging. The elevator door opens and John and Chiana emerge. Behind them, there is smoking and sparks and a hissing noise coming from the wall where the tv monitor had been.
Across from the elevator, Princess Aeryn sits on the edge of the four-poster bed. The Ogre and the Butler stand on either side of her.
Butler Harvey: "Master." He makes a sound like a trumpet. "We have guests."
John: "I'm here for the Princess."
Princess Aeryn lisps: "I can thee that." She smiles and takes a deep breath: "So romantic."
John half smiles at her and talks to Chiana: "You up for this? Could be fun."
Chiana: "Let's screw the pooch. I'm all about fun."
John and Chiana touch swords. The clanging noise startles Butler Harvey.
Butler Harvey: "Oh!" He jumps and scurries away, with Chiana following.
The Ogre laughs a deep laugh.
John takes his sword and whacks off the top of a candle: "Game on." He and the Ogre start to exchange blows.
John: "Saw this on tv."
Princess Aeryn is holding a heart shaped pillow up in front of her body: "I'm not gonna clean up."
Chiana takes a swipe at Butler Harvey and he ducks under it.
Princess Aeryn: "Ooh! Come on, Harvey! Stop fightin' like a girl!"
Butler Harvey knocks the sword out of Chiana's hand. It flies across the floor, making a ringing sound. Chiana makes an acrobatic move and kicks Harvey in the stomach. He backs up and she grabs a sword from a suit of armor that is standing nearby.
John grunts as he takes a giant swing at the Ogre and misses.
Ogre: "You need more practice, meat."
John: "I'll make a note."
The Ogre laughs.
Chiana takes another swing that Harvey ducks.
Princess Aeryn: "Oh good. I can see who wears the panth in your family."
The screen splits as both duels continue with loud crashes and clanging and much grunting.
Princess Aeryn: "Redecoratin'. Blood everywhere."
Chiana takes a huge swipe and slices Butler Harvey across the middle. The scene returns to full screen as he falls face first to the floor.
Chiana laughs.
Princess Aeryn: "She just killed you." She whips around on the bed to look at John and the Ogre: "Honey! the butler's dayed."
The screen splits again. This time one side is upside down. John continues to duel the Ogre.
John: "Hey, Pip!"
Chiana: "Yah?"
John: "Little help!"
Chiana breathes: "Okay." and jumps to help John fight the Ogre.
Princess Aeryn: "That's it. Finith him off."
The swords clang loudly.
The Ogre puts his arms out: "Two against one. Looks like I won't be having that drink after all."
There is a loud yell and Stark rushes into the room, also armed with a sword.
Chiana: "He's mine."
She and Stark both twirl as they begin to fight.
John looks over at Princess Aeryn: "How'm I doin?"
She makes a kissing noise.
John, breathing heavily: "Comin back for ya."
Princess Aeryn: "Ahh hope thew."
John and the Ogre grunt and gasp and the swords ring out as the screen splits and the two pairs continue to fight.
Chiana manages to disarm Stark and slices him with her sword. He falls to the floor.
Across the room, John cries out as the Ogre hits him in the face.
Princess Aeryn: "Oh, child."
The Ogre roars and pulls his axe back to take out John. As he does, Chiana picks up her sword and throws it into the Ogre's neck. He cries out and sinks to his knees.
Princess Aeryn: "Well, thee done it now."
Ogre: "Women!"
John staggers to his feet and taking his sword, slashes the Ogre across the throat. The Ogre falls forward, onto his face. Princess Aeryn watches tensely. John wipes the blood from his sword and staggers away from the Ogre. He stands at the end of the bed, breathing heavily.
Chiana: "Go on."
Stark has risen to his feet and is standing near Chiana, watching.
Princess Aeryn: "Are you really John Crichton?"
John: "Yah."
Princess Aeryn: "We are gonna be thew happy together."
John tosses his sword down, onto the bed.
She gasps as John reaches out and pulls her towards him. They kiss. John pushes her away and she falls backwards onto the bed with a happy sigh. John nods his head and takes a step back. He looks around. So does Chiana.
John looks back down at the Princess as she pulls herself drunkenly into a sitting position. From behind the bed, Stark is leering.
John: "Chiana?"
Chiana shakes her head: "Uhh....?"
Stark turns to look at her.
Chiana: "I don't know."
John: "What do you mean, you don't know?"
Chiana: "I don't... know."
Stark: "Hey! I know. Maybe... you have to do more than just kiss her. Maybe kiss... is a metaphor for showing her a really good time.
Princess Aeryn winks and moans: "Mmm!" She pats the bed beside her.
Stark: "Yah! And maybe Chiana has to kiss her. Huh? Can I watch? I love to watch."
Chiana smiles and comes around the bed towards John: "She is not the Princess."
Princess Aeryn whips her head around to look at Chiana: "What?" She glances back at John: "Oh. Well, I'm not the printheth you theek, but we could thtill have a really good time." She grins fetchingly at John.
John sighs.
Stark comes towards John: "This is my world, meat! You're just walking through it for a very long time. When your body is dead, your mind will live here with us, to strut and fret forever, you poor player."
John drops his sword to the floor with a clang and staggers away sideways.
Chiana: "Crichton?"
John pushes aside a gauzy pink curtain and climbs up on the balcony ledge, looking down at the pavement far below. He holds his arms out to the side and takes a step forward, off the ledge. He flies gracefully downwards and lands in a puff of dust and a loud thud on the ground.
There is a flash of light and John is standing in front of the castle, holding a rectangular shield and wearing his metal helmet. He tosses the shield on to the ground and stalks off towards the castle door.
John: "Game reset."
He enters the game control room and drops his armor on the table.
Stark Headroom: "What are you doing, John? Do-do-doing John?"
John: "Your world, your princess."
There is an echo that repeats: "Princess-princess-princess" in an every deepening pitch. Stark Headroom screams.
John continues to walk away: "One-one pr-princess fair, her bro-broken heart by ug-ugliness-ugliness enslaved. Ugliness enslaved."
John is in the parking structure, near the hippy van. He draws his sword.
Stark appears between John and Big Zhaan: "John, we can work this out."
John hits Stark with the butt of his sword handle. Stark cries out and falls to the floor. Big Zhaan scampers away, whimpering. John corners him with the sword. He puts his hands together, in front of his face.
John: "One hero's sword to set her free."
John takes a mighty swing with his sword and splits Big Zhaan down the middle starting at the top of his head. As his body falls away to both sides, it is replaced by a brilliant white light. It falls away, like a flower petal opening, revealing the real Zhaan, standing inside. She makes the Delvian blessing gesture with her hands.
John looks at her half in amazement, half in sorrow.
Stark cries out: "Don't touch her! She's mine! Mine!"
Zhaan: "Be silent, Stark." She starts to walk towards John: "Is that really you, John Crichton?"
John nods a little: "I think... yah. And you're?"
Zhaan: "Zhaan..." She nods: "... for all that matters." Zhaan sighs: "This Stark wishes to keep you here. He blames you..."
Stark: "No."
Zhaan: "... believes I died for the love of you."
John: "A lot of people have died because of me."
Zhaan: "What is it that you wish of me, John Crichton? A kiss? Have you wasted my death... and the deaths of so many others?"
John: "I don't know."
Zhaan: "Then I suggest you find out... before anyone else dies for the love of you."
Stark shakes his head: "No."
Zhaan approaches John and takes the sides of his face in her hands. She bends her face forwards and kisses him.
There is a flash of blue-white light.
John and Chiana fall violently backwards, away from the game blob. They both cry out. They land on the floor of the transport pod, near each other.
John gasps: "Son-of-a-bitch." He comms: "D! D'Argo!"
D'Argo comms back: "John, where are you?"
John: "Uh... I'm not entirely sure right now. What's up with Scorpius?"
D'Argo: "Had a small problem with his door, but that's already sorted. You're long overdue. Is everything okay?"
Chiana leans her forhead against John's: "Hey, hey. We're not dead. How drad is that?" She laughs. John looks at her and starts to laugh. Chiana puts her arm around his neck and pulls him closer to her.
END OF ACT FOUR
EPILOGUE
Noranti is in the galley, stirring a large, steaming pot. She tastes whatever is in it. John walks into the galley and whistles.
Noranti: "Mm. Interesting day?" She sets down the stirring spoon.
John looks at the ingredients on the table and picks up something.
John: "They're all interesting. This was more like... confusing."
Noranti: "And a warrior needs clarity."
John sits down, across the room from her. "I'm not a warrior." He takes a bite of whatever he snurched from the table.
Noranti: "You carry a weapon."
John: "Second amendment. Besides, it's Scorpy's war, not mine."
Noranti: "Thousands dead... billions in the balance. But, that's not the war I'm speaking of." John looks at her. Her third eye is open.
Noranti: "Aeryn... the war of the heart."
John: "Always Aeryn. Yah, I don't... think too clear where Aeryn is concerned."
Noranti: "Pain clouds judgement." She reaches into her skirt pocket and takes out something. "Distilate of laka..."
John stands up.
Noranti: "...one whiff and the pain is gone... for a time. It'll help you forget about Aeryn."
John walks over and takes the small, dark object from her palm.
Noranti: "Oh, and please, don't thank me. It's been one hundred and fifty cycles since I've... since I felt for someone the way you do for her."
John walks away, looking at the small object in his hand.
Noranti: "Mm." She goes back to stirring her pot.
John holds up the small, black flower shaped container, turning it in his hand.
John walks down a corridor on Moya. As he walks, he passes Aeryn who is sitting with her knees up, her back against the corridor wall.
Aeryn: "I hear I was a princess.
John takes a few steps past her and stops for a microt. Then, he walks away. Aeryn watches him go.
END OF EPILOGUE
